mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
