You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
