I checked into jail on foursquare
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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