You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
