i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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