i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
if only i could text you this smell
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
