My hand turned me down
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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