Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize