Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
