I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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