I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize