a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
