Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
