i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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