My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
