I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
