if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
