I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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