Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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