i will never coherently bang her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
