You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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