I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
