I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
