A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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