You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
