i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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