I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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