I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
