I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
