I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
