"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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