It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
