My room smells like vodka and shame
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was like eating out sand paper
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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