The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
