just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
