someone owes me an orgasm
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
