I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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