I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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