Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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