just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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