I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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