I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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