do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
