Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
