I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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