It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
