the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
