Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
