Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
