I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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