youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
