Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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