She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
