I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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