So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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