Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
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