I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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