Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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