you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
