She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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