Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
