i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
