just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
